Loneliness

Mental HealthLoneliness
Written By Sharon Teuscher

〰️About a 15-20 minute read 〰️

My brain is melting and I feel like I just wrote some new-age, free-form research paper. Or, just the closest thing to a research paper that I’ve written since college seven years ago. But, I think it’s worth it.

Recently, I decided to pick up Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW - professor, researcher, lecturer, author, podcast host, and general badass.

Braving the Wilderness explores ‘true belonging’ through years of research, conversations, and qualitative analysis. A main component in her research was addressing loneliness, and the effect that it has on our ability to belong to ourselves and others. I also listened to an episode of her podcast Unlocking Us with Brené Brown - Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brené Brown on loneliness, and will be referring to Dr. Vivek’s research a great deal in this post.

Where we are today:

With the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, it’s hard to deny that we’re facing something unprecedented and collectively traumatic. We are isolated from friends, family, and our routines. We are faced with something frightening. And the “What comes next?” is unknown. Fear is running rampant, it is affecting each of us in different ways, and we’re seeing the responses to this fear projected outwardly.

In Braving the Wilderness, Brown poses a point that I found interesting. In a world post 9/11, (current COVID-19,) with a very polarized political playing field, plus the rise of social media, we have split off into polarized factions. Especially from behind a screen, it’s become easier to attack each other’s way of living. She explores the idea that in today’s time, we have developed an instinct to split off into the faction that best supports our interests and beliefs, separating us from those who don’t. We think this will give us a better sense of connection and community, but the result is the opposite.

In a world that is splitting, we have moved further away from true connection, and leaned into shaming and blaming. “Dehumanizing often starts with creating an enemy image. As we take sides, lose trust, and get angrier and angrier, we not only solidify an idea of our enemy, but also start to lose our ability to listen, communicate, and practice even a modicum of empathy,” says Brown.

Fear is a scientific and physiological response we all share. Brown has studied fear for more than 15 years. She describes it as being one of the core variables that cut us off from others. Whether that be a national conversation regarding who or what we should fear, fear of rejection, fear of losing our freedoms, fear of being misunderstood, fear of criticism, etc. Fear is profoundly polarizing. It magnifies anger and blame that only isolates us further; pulling us away from the true connection that can, at its core, combat loneliness.

In all of my reading, listening, and researching, I have discovered some collective truths and recent statistics surrounding loneliness:

  • We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected.

  • In 1980, approximately 20% of Americans reported feeling lonely. Now, loneliness affects more than 3 in 5 Americans, or around 61%; nearly a 13% rise since 2018, alone. (Cigna Survey on Loneliness)

  • There is a deep shame and stigma associated with admitting to being lonely.

  • Spikes in loneliness occur most commonly in our late 20’s, mid 50’s, and late 80’s.

  • Chronic loneliness chips away at our self-esteem. We start to believe that we're lonely because we're not likable or not lovable. It leads to the age-old question, “What’s wrong with me?”

  • Overcoming loneliness starts with you; the solution moves from the inside, out.

  • We can reprogram and rewire our brains through neuroplasticity; by changing our behavior, we can change our brains.

  • Loneliness has profound consequences for our health and can even cause physiological responses in our body similar to those that occur in our fight or flight response.

  • The emotional and physical impact of loneliness triggers cellular changes in our bodies that alter gene expression and increase stress and aging. (Dr. John Cacioppo)

  • The amount of adults in the United States struggling with chronic loneliness is greater than the number who smoke or have diabetes.

  • Loneliness results in a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, Alzheimers, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, and early death.

  • Living with loneliness increases your chances of early death by 45%. Compare that to:

    • Air pollution - 5%

    • Living with obesity / sedentary living - 20%

    • Excessive drinking - 30%.

Let’s delve into this a little bit more, starting with the idea that: Loneliness is born out of feeling disconnected.

Dr. Vivek Murthy, physician and 19th Surgeon General of the United States, and author of Together: The Healing Power Of Human Connection In A Sometimes Lonely World, discusses loneliness, in a literary sense, as a discrepancy, or a gap, between the connections that we need, and the social connections that we have.

In his book, Dr. Murthy communicates that researchers have identified three dimensions of loneliness to reflect the particular types of relationships that are missing:

  • Intimate or Emotional Loneliness - The longing for a close confidant or intimate partner. Someone with whom you share a deep mutual bond of affection and trust.

  • Relational or Social Loneliness - The yearning for quality friendships and social companionship and support.

  • Collective Loneliness - The hunger for a network or community of people who share your sense of purpose or interest.

The lack of relationships in any of these categories can cause you to feel lonely.

(Here, is where I want to interject and contrast the difference between loneliness and isolation. Loneliness is subjective. It is felt in different ways by different people. Isolation on the other hand directly refers to the amount of people that you are surrounded by. For example, you may feel lonely in a room full of a hundred people because you’re lacking true connection, but feel fulfilled in a group of three close friends. Or you may feel lonely at work but feel fulfilled in your own company.)

For some, loneliness stems from a lifetime of feeling ‘other,’ or not having a feeling of belonging to any group. For many others, it is exacerbated by feelings of shame that surround the admission of feeling lonely. This is why we often times hear loneliness being described without actually using the word itself. In this shame, we retreat, disconnect, and suffer alone. Again, pushing us away from quality connections.

I want to share an excerpt of an NPR interview with Dr. Murthy to better explain this idea.

“What was so interesting to me about the experience of colleagues in medicine was that so many of us went through medical school and residency training as part of a group. The group were our classmates or the residents that we trained within the hospital. But shortly after training, everyone scatters to the wind, and they end up feeling largely like they're working alone. 

I found that many of my colleagues were struggling with this sense of being isolated. And they didn't necessarily say that they were struggling with loneliness, but the words that they used, the phrases that they uttered so often, phrases like, “I feel like I'm dealing with all of these problems on my own”, “I feel like I'm interchangeable and that nobody recognizes me for who I am”, “I feel like we're invisible in the system,” these all conveyed to me again, and again, and again that these doctors felt that it was just them working alone trying to take care of patients. And they felt frustrated by this. And I think it contributed to the burnout that many of them are experiencing.”

We’re not alone in the experience of feeling lonely. We are social creatures. We actually experience an overflow of stress hormones when we’re separated from each other.

I found this next excerpt from the same NPR interview extremely fascinating on that subject.

“The evolutionary theory around loneliness tells us that we were designed to be social creatures that relied on each other for survival advantage. Thousands of years ago, when we were hunter-gatherers on the tundra, being together in trusted relationships increased the chances that we could pool our food and all have some food day to day as opposed to starving. It made it more likely that we could protect ourselves from predators because we could take turns taking watch at night, for example. It also helped us do things like share responsibility for child care and watch over other people's kids so that they could go out and hunt or gather fruit and vegetables.

When we were separated from each other, that placed us in a state of danger, and that danger resonated through our body in the form of a stress state that was marked by an outflow of stress hormones, which, in the short term, could be beneficial because they could focus your mind and ensure that you could react quickly if a predator was indeed behind you. But in the long term, that stress state can be harmful.

When you transport yourself back to the modern day, what you find is that - even though our circumstances have changed dramatically from those hunter-gatherer days - that our bodies are not so different, and the way our nervous system reacts to being separated from people, the way we react to feeling lonely is remarkably similar in terms of experiencing an elevated stress state. We can think of loneliness, in fact, as a natural signal, like hunger or thirst, that come about when we're missing something that we need for survival - in this case, social connection.”

When we find ourselves stuck in that threat state, we tend to shift our focus toward ourselves and away from others to make sure that we’re safe. But, this makes it harder when interacting with others, and fostering connection.

So, how can we bridge the gap and combat loneliness?

In the wise words of Brené Brown, “To combat loneliness, we must first learn how to identify it and to have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign. Our response to that warning sign should be to find connection.”

But, here’s the primary challenge in combatting loneliness: We must first belong to, and become connected to ourselves.

Dr. Vivek Murthy says, “Connection to self, it turns out, is the foundation that we need to connect to other people. When we're connected to ourselves, we understand that we have self-worth. We understand that we have value to bring to the world. And the truth is that many of us walk around not necessarily believing that, or having moments of doubt where we're not sure if we're good enough.” The less secure we feel in our own worth, the less likely we are to believe that other want to be around us.

Worth, as described by Dr. Murthy:

  • Has to do with our ability to give and receive love.

  • Requires courage to be vulnerable.

  • Requires the ability to recognize that we have deep value intrinsically within us.

Because the way that we feel about ourselves directly influences the way that we interact with others, we should focus first on just being. Ask yourself, Who am I? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? What/who brings me the most peace?

Combatting loneliness requires a level of comfort and a level of discomfort.

It takes courage to be open and vulnerable with another person; to share your truth with another person in the development of intimate, relational and collective connections. The goal of connection is to be seen, heard, and valued.

Robin Joy Meyers; international speaker, fear strategist, author, radio host, and molecular geneticist, says that we can combat loneliness by trusting who we are in the world; by looking around and truly seeing one another. By recognizing that each of us is enough.

So, set out on the difficult, but meaningful journey to become more connected. Approach people with a true desire to know more and listen more attentively - not to seek validation or to fit somewhere we truly don’t belong.

Let’s prioritize our relationship with ourself, first. Then, move onto strengthening external relationships in which we feel like we belong. Let’s create an anchor of connection through intentional ritual (Baya Voce). Let’s foster the relationships that make us feel like we are home. Maybe challenge yourself to engage in meaningful interactions during your everyday rituals - like when you stop into your local coffeeshop - or by creating a ritual to gather or have a phone call with people who bring you joy and belonging. Engage in communities where you share a similar interest or passion.

On the flip side, let’s also challenge ourselves to put aside our desire to split into factions. Let’s try to have civil discussions with people whose views differ from our own. Brown says, (and I love this) that people are harder to hate up close. Let’s try to ask more questions, find common ground, try to connect on the level of what we want to see for the world; for our future and that of our children. We won’t always win. But as she references, the profound Maya Angelou says, “The price is high, the reward is great.”

Loneliness may be something that many of us are experiencing now, but it doesn’t need to be something we carry forever.

You do belong. And you belong to yourself, first.

We also belong to each other.

Both are equally important.

You have value, and you are enough.

Sharon Teuscher
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