Navigating Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is the perfect example of having too much of a seemingly good thing.

Think phrases, or responses to a perceived negative mindset like, ‘Just be positive’, ‘Happiness is a choice’, ‘It could be so much worse’, ‘Just look on the bright side’, etc.

You may think, “None of these phrases are inherently bad, right?” A low grade example of toxic positivity that we’ve all probably used a million times is when someone asks us how we are doing. We often simply respond with, “I’m good.” But are you, really? I think for a long time, and even oftentimes today, it’s been commonplace to try to project an innately positive image of ourselves to the world; whether that be through social media or in our everyday interactions. But that in and of itself is inherently toxic. We’re so much more than that. We’re multi-faceted beings who experience a whole range of emotions and experiences.

Don’t get me wrong, doing our best to rise above a difficult circumstance isn’t something to criticize. But it is something we should examine.

I’ve struggled a lot writing this, because I feel like I naturally try to see the best of intentions when possible. I find myself playing devil’s advocate to both sides of the positivity coin.

The way I ended up differentiating things for myself is this: It’s not an argument between positivity and toxic positivity. Instead, it’s arguing that there’s a difference between leading with optimism or practicing gratitude (while still holding space for the hard stuff), and toxic positivity which is inherently dismissive or avoidant of any ‘negative’ emotion.

Both of these can be something internal or something external. Something that we practice for ourselves or something we project onto others.

No one likes to be around a chronic pessimist, right? We’ve all had one in our life; someone who’s hell-bent on the negatives and the “There’s no point” way of going about life. Those negative interactions are just as contagious as the bright, shiny, smiling interactions. So there’s something to be said about the people who bring light into our lives.

No one wants to feel sad, depressed, anxious, disappointed, etc. But, as human beings who are meant to experience a full-spectrum of emotions throughout our lifetime, we’re going to encounter some emotions that are of an unpleasant nature. Not to mention grief, trauma, and diagnosed mental illnesses which can exacerbate all of these difficult feelings.

Here’s the middle ground. And, the good news. You can actually have it all while maintaining healthier, more supportive interactions with yourself and others.

I encourage you to allow yourself to feel it all - love, joy, curiosity, anger, sadness, frustration. All of it. Now, that doesn’t give you permission to project those emotions onto others if it’s not warranted. Our emotions are our responsibility first and foremost. But, if you’re navigating a difficult experience, managing a psychological condition, working through trauma, etc., give yourself some space and some grace to move through that in your own time.

I love the book Eat, Pray, Love written by Elizabeth Gilbert. There is a quote in it that has stuck with me. It goes, “Happiness is the consequence of personal effort.” It goes on to explore the idea that our own happiness is something we must never become lax about; that it’s a never-ending battle to maintain it. I do believe that we are responsible to a degree, in many ways, for our outlook on life and whether that’s broadly optimistic or pessimistic. I believe that we should do our best when we can to recognize our blessings alongside our suffering, for that’s how we truly experience joy.

She has another quote in the book that follows that up perfectly, which is this; “If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.”

If you ever find yourself in a place where you truly cannot find the light, it may be time to consider help outside of your close circle. Maybe it’s time to consider working with a licensed therapist (if that’s something accessible to you), or exploring holistic or traditional pharmaceutical treatments. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but there are many options.

Try not to shame or shrink yourself, or your experience, for anyone else’s comfort. Your experience is validated simply in the fact that it is yours. When we try to consistently force (on ourselves or others) this idea that there should always be a ‘silver lining’, we’re minimizing our right to feel through the in-between. We’re also contributing to the idea that if we just say to ‘be happier’ or ‘chin up’ or ‘imagine how good you have it compared to someone else’, we’ll magically get over it.

Wouldn’t it be great if it were that easy?

So, how can we navigate toxic positivity?

In our interactions with others

When someone is expressing a difficult emotion/experience:

• DON’T* - Lean on the ‘silver lining’ concept to make them ‘feel better’, overshadow their experience with your own, try to fix it, offer unsolicited advice, own their emotions/experience.

• DO - Lean in, listen attentively, validate their feelings, ask thoughtful questions, ask how you can help, check-in later to see how they are feeling.

In our own self-talk or experiences

• DON’T* - Tell yourself to get over it, expect your friends and family to take the place of a therapist, shame yourself - ie: “But, I know this is nothing compared to what this other person is going through”, isolate yourself for fear that you’ll bring someone down, bottle it up - repressed emotions often manifest in extreme ways if not acknowledged

• DO - Allow yourself some sacred time and space to acknowledge whatever emotion you’re experiencing, ask yourself questions - “Why am I feeling this way?” “Do I have control over this situation or this emotion?” “Can I manage this alone, or do I need help?”, reach out to trusted friends, family or licensed counselor if you need someone to listen, take steps in the direction of what brings you joy, fill your cup first.

*Do your best not to. No one is perfect.